FREE ESSAY ON SEX IN THE CITY

SEX IN THE CITY

Honey, are we OK?
Five really bad signs 
Marina said it all made sense in retrospect. Her live-in boyfriend of three years bought
her a really expensive bracelet for her birthday and then made plans to go scuba diving
in Hawaii with his buddies. When he came back, he moped around for a few days. She
pursued him, asking, "What's wrong?" He mumbled incoherent explanations. He said he had
things on his mind and he didn't want to talk about them yet. 
Six days later, he told her was moving out. It was the end of the month, but, hey, he'd
pay his half of the rent. Then he shut down the conversation portal and made himself
scarce for the next two days. He packed and left while she was at work. She is still
wondering what happened. 
There are always clues to a withdrawal from a relationship. Sometimes the signs are in
your face; sometimes they are subtle: 
1. Plans? What plans?
If you bring up your Christmas vacation idea and he avoids looking at the pamphlets,
there is a glitch in the We-Are-a-Couple format. Guys who are planning to go AWOL don't
like to purchase non-refundable tickets to palm-treed islands - or to invite you to their
annual company picnic. These items telegraph the fact that they have a picture in their
mind that does not include you. 
Every time you reroute the conversation to his birthday party, does he say, "No big deal
- I don't want to do anything this year"? If this comes from a man who hires caterers
annually to celebrate the queen's horses' birthdays, watch out. If he stops the
conversation or changes directions when any mention of upcoming events takes place, it's
time to focus the relationship lens. 
2. You're standing in a draft. 
He walks ahead of you on the street. He leaves you off the emergency phone numbers list
("It's better if they call my brother - you're hard to reach at work"). When you try to
hold his hand at a party, he finds an excuse to use them for something else ("They're
clammy tonight."). 
Like Marina, most women can look back and say, yes, there was a change in the affection
factor. "We used to curl up together on the couch to watch TV on Wednesday nights," she
remembers. "Then he started sitting in the recliner, saying his back hurt him." 
3. Fighting more, enjoying it less. 
More arguments and moodiness? Sometimes it seems that he just provokes a conflict for no
reason. Bad, bad sign. 
4. Sex is going south. 
Sometimes leaving means more sex - a lot of it. This may be his way of trying to make you
feel better - or it's his way of dealing with the big emotions that surface when he knows
he is leaving and feels sad because he knows you are a sweetheart. 
If he is all over you after a long dry spell, it could be a new appreciation of what a
wonderful human you are - or it might be a predictor of bye-bye plans. Other times, there
may be very little sex after a healthy physical history. This may be attributed to his
health, his worries or his age, or course, so don't be poking prematurely into his
private drawers. 
5. Phone-tag problems. 
He doesn't return calls. He's turned his pager off. He doesn't show up for a date and
doesn't call to cancel. Hey, this is an easy one. If the body is missing, you've already
been dumped - unless you can ascertain that he has in fact been kidnapped or recruited to
work undercover for Interpol. Some women don't get this one - the most obvious sign of
major retreat - perhaps because it is so transparent. A man who is making other life
plans wants some distance from intimacy or apparent coupledom. The easiest way is to cut
you off from his thoughts. 
Recovery tips 
Short of stapling yourself to his leg, there is little you can do to delay the
inevitable. And begging never is a pretty sight. He's leaving you. So deal with it. You
will go through a mini-grief period, or a maxi with extra-strength pain. Either way, you
have a job to do. And remember, you lived without his company before you met him; you
don't need him. 
The first task is to remind yourself on a regular basis that he is the loser here. And
that years from now when he is balding and grizzled and lonely in an old folks' home, he
will be sorry that he made such a horrible choice. You, of course, will be with a dashing
man who adores you - and you will glance out the window to see this pathetic ex limping
along the street on the way to get denture cream. OK, at least you can tell yourself this
story till you don't need it anymore. 
Shopping works for some. For others it just delays the grieving period, although it is
hard to see how a nice little faux Fendi would hurt. Join things; get a new lurch on
life. Lunch. Call friends. Don't wait in the wings. Give yourself limited time for crying
over Mr. No Taste - I suggest Sunday between 7 and 8 a.m. Cry full tilt. 
Learn to see the signs clearly next time. Some women look the other way. Become a
seasoned se?orita. And don't let the rejection munch away at your self-esteem. It is a
broken relationship, not a printout of your faults as a human. 
By the way, Marina is now over the fact that she was dumped (as you might expect, he left
her for another woman). She rolls her eyeballs as she tells the story. "He said he was
helping a friend in his social work class deal with an unwanted pregnancy. Turned out to
be HIS. So now he's with a woman who was supposed to be a weekend thing - and they are
parents. So much for his lectures on spontaneity." 
Marina picks lint off her angora sweater and answers the phone. She just won the $10
million lotto jackpot. OK, I lied. But her best friend did call and they are meeting for
oysters and martinis at 8. She has a life. 
Bibliography
Jones, P.V Homer's Odyssey: A Companion To The Translation of Richmond Lattimore 1st ed.
Carbondale, IL: Southern Illinois University Press, 1988
Duhn, Poh SY. Greek Mythology: The Odyssey
Ed. Steven van Leeuwen. Dec. 1995. Nova Scotia U. 2 Dec. 1997
.
Class. The Heroic Epic. Honors World Literature 1 Class Discussion. 
bgjhhn State College, jkhgdshre. 2000.