FREE ESSAY ON WOMEN VS. MEN

WOMEN VS. MEN

Women vs. Men:
The Battle of the Sexes
(Or That's Just What We Let Them Think)
Call me Sybil. I have two personalities. One is the helpless, quivering mass that men
like to call "vulnerable" and "female" and the other is pure Paige. The latter is in your
face, pull the bootstraps up and take the bull by the horns. This duality has occurred by
necessity, not by choice. For years men have been allowed to think that they are the
dominant gender, the great providers, and what God had intended humans to be. Little do
they know that God is really a She. There are great differences between men and women,
some of which are cleanliness habits, thought processes, and child rearing. 
As the great Maurice Chevalier sang, "Thank Heaven for little girls." Women differ from
their male counterparts physically, that is a no-brainer. However, one of the greatest
differences between the sexes arises in the grooming department. Women are taught at a
very young age that females are to be beautiful, graceful, tasteful, and always be neat
and clean. Make-up and beauty treatments are being bought so that women can maintain the
illusion of whatever the current trend is. But underneath all that translucent powder and
body glitter is a basically clean person. Women have this thing about bathing on a
regular basis. Body odor is offensive. Dirty under garments are verboten and the thought
of sweating and not changing clothes is utter ridiculous. Civilized women cannot go a day
without some sort of bathing ritual. Granted, it is rather hard to bathe properly when
they are camping in the wilderness and the mosquitoes are flying in a holding pattern
over the only fresh water deep enough to wade in. Regardless of the trials and
tribulations, a woman will wash. Why is it then that men cannot get the idea that water
is free (think about it) and soap does not cost as much as the girlie magazine they just
bought? There are jokes about men not changing under garments for a week; they just keep
turning them inside out. That is not an urban legend. That is based on actual eyewitness
accounts. Men also seem to have the innate ability to have olfactory impairment.
Otherwise, how could they go work out at the gym, not shower, and meet their girlfriends
for dinner and wonder why will not give him a kiss or sit close to him? 
Another area that men and women seem to butt heads is the issue of how to go about doing
the simplest of tasks. Take for instance, putting together a child's bicycle.
A woman will open the box, pour out the contents, READ the instructions, and then proceed
to correctly assemble the bike or pay. Men, on the other hand, look at the process like
waging a war. They call their troops (friends from next door), collect supplies (three
six packs and a package of pork rinds ought to do it), and then they empty the contents
of the box. Men will stare at the pieces and parts like they are reading runes, ignoring
the detailed instructions and pretty pictures some poor slob had to draw and proceed with
the scratching ritual. After much discussion, foul language, a trip to the emergency
room, and six hundred dollars, the child has a bicycle. Albeit, the bike was assembled by
the toy store, but the child has something to ride.
Speaking of children, the greatest difference between genders occurs in child raising.
Women have the greatest burden. They are not only required to care for the offspring,
they have to teach the children the difference of right and wrong and how to behave and
fit into today's society. A woman plays psychiatrist, doctor, maid, oracle, and confidant
to the little bundles of joy. They have to be strong, yet tender, firm, yet be able to
decide when to favor leniency.
Men have to be educators too. However, their course plans follow a different list of
priorities. Men believe it is important to know the "Stance". That is, the proper body
placement while evacuating their bladders. This lesson in body arrangement does not
include the importance of correct trajectory. They figure that the woman will be along to
clean up anyway. The next lesson men teach is gender dependent. Boys will learn how to be
virile and master the fine art of pick-up lines. Girls will learn not to bother with boys
and be sent off to convent school. Men learn early in the game that intimate questions
are best left to be answered by Mom. Men have a tendency to hem and haw and give an
answer that is totally inappropriate for the question. Women will thoughtfully mull over
the question and give an answer that is both correct and definite. This eliminates the
little tyke's nagging need to ask the same question in different formats.
Although it is necessary to have at least one of each of the sexes around to ensure the
proliferation of the species, men and women will never see eye-to-eye on the issues that
are truly important. Men will always have an affinity with Pigsty, will make an epic
adventure of taking the trash out, and make Dr. Spock roll over in his grave. Women will
always think rationally, walk a hundred miles for running water, and be number one in the
eyes of their children. Viva la difference!
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